Tag Archives: funny stories

Me, Myself & I…

Me: Fuck Political Correctness! I’m so over it! You can’t say “Merry Christmas” for the fear of offending someone…Certain swear words are cut out of movies they put on TV for fear of offending someone…But, they can blow people up in movies, use the “N” word in every other song on the radio and make movies based on the worst literature ever written like “50 Shades of…” I can’t even finish the name of it without wanting to vomit! You can’t even think jack shit anymore without the fear of offending someone! You don’t like it? Don’t read it, don’t watch it, don’t listen to it!
Myself: What’s got you so worked up today?
I: I know! I know!
Me: I’m sick of seeing stupid shows on TV like “Naked and Afraid” where you can watch some bare assed old man and woman running around in the jungle, or Honey Boo Boo, or Nancy Grace telling America everyone suspected of a crime is guilty until proven innocent (WTF?) and causing a circus…We have stations cram garbage down our throats 24/7 on channels like OWN, Lifetime, and BET but they want to chop up movies that we originally paid $15 in the theatres to see the violence, sex and swearing in…Movies that are hysterically funny, full of action or are seriously sexy that have now been chopped up so that the swear words have been voiced over with “Friggin or Gosh Danged”, the sex has been eliminated but most of the violence is still there???…That is offensive to me! Seriously?/! I want to start my own channel…I’m going to call it “WET”…How about that?
Myself: You want to start a war? Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would be on you in a heartbeat!
I: Oh Snap!
Me: That’s because simple minds think alike! It stands for the “Wicked Entertainment Television” dumb ass!
Myself: Well played…

older woman hot guy

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Me, Myself & I…

Me: Oh My God! My grandkids say the damndest things! *laughing hysterically*
Myself: You are just not right..
I: Hey…They think she’s funny!
Me: Did you see the look on their mothers faces? Priceless!
Myself: When your 6 year old grand daughter announces she doesn’t’ like your new haircut because it “makes you look like a boy”…the appropriate answer is not to point to your DD boobs and say “When was the last time you saw a boy with these?”
I: You have to admit it was rather comical…but, not as funny as when she looked over at her 6 year old grandson, after being scolded by his mother, and said “Got your back Jack, bitches be crazy”…

Tommy's Trip 5-13 022

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Me, Myself & I…

Me: Wow…You guys have been awfully quiet lately…
Myself: That’s because you’ve been busy writing. You’ve allowed yourself to accept a deadline for an anthology and it’s quickly approaching!
I: *Shrieks* She never accepts deadlines! *Looks around for a corner to quietly cry in*
Me: I’ve got this.
Myself: Until the editor gets a hold of it…
I: *Gasps again* Oh Snap!

books

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Me, Myself & I…

Me: Awe Shit…How did I get “Old MacDonald Had A Farm” Stuck in my head? How they hell did they come up with E-I-E-I-O anyway?
Myself: Because G-I-G-I-Joe didn’t fit?
I: Bwahahah Good one!

GI Joe

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Me, Myself & I…

Me: Man, what’s with all the flies and mosquitoes? Seriously!
Myself: Well…It is summer…
I: Oh Snap!
Me: Duh dip shit, I know that, but they are as thick as molasses and the mosquitoes are as big as my hand! It’s seriously disturbing.
Myself: That’s because of all the rain…You know it was an unusually wet June here…
I: Uh oh…double Snap! *waiting for the bomb to drop over the mention of rain!*
Me: Well played…

flies & mosquitos

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Me, Myself & I…

Me: Aww Crap!
Myself: What now?
I: I know! I know!
Me: They’re home! My “vacation” never lasts long enough…
Myself: Funny how it is that you’re never the one that goes anywhere on your “vacation”…
I: She likes it here…
Me: I don’t need to go anywhere. All those tourists, the noise, the hiked up prices in restaurants and the price of hotel rooms! Besides, God only knows when the last time the bedspreads were washed…No thank you! I’ll stay right here with B.O.B. and their stupid cats.
Myself: Suit yourself.
I: And, we can eat all the crap we want we want in the living room and no one will ever know!
Me: I’d like to know when I became the child and my child became the parent.
Myself: Aww…Good question.You knew it would eventually happen, but I have noticed that it is you, who does the sneaky things a spoiled, childish brat would do. Things you would have torn them a new ass for and then grounded them for, for months…
I: Oh Snap!
Me: Yeah, and they better never find about any of them!

sssh

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Me, Myself & I…

Me: Awe shit. I hope this tightening in my chest is just indigestion!
Myself: Well, you had your heart checked out a few years ago and the cardiologist said he wished half his patients had your heart. Since then, you’ve lost a few more pounds and taken a little better care of yourself.
I: The only thing you haven’t done is quit smoking.
Me: Listen you sniveling little whiner…I smoke because if I didn’t, I’d be huffing paint or sniffing glue to deal with the stress I’m under! I never used to have any problem handling stress and I’ve done it all without using drugs or alcohol…so get off my fucking back about the smoking! I quit, cold turkey for 11 days and then fell down a flight of stairs! I decided that if I was going to be in that kind of pain on top of RA, I’m going to smoke. It’s a choice and I choose to smoke…so fuck off!
Myself: Listen to yourself! All she said was that you hadn’t quit smoking and you went on a rant! You probably just raised your blood pressure to near dangerous territory and that alone is not good. Cardiovascular Disease is the major cause of death in the world. It’s brought on by many things and I’m sure that stress is one of the major contributors. You need to take up yoga, meditation or something for Christ’s sake. I think smoking is the least of your problems, a stroke is going to get you way before a heart attack does!
I: *has wandered off looking for cookies mumbling something about “getting laid”*
Me: Well played.

heart in hands

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