Tag Archives: funny

Me, Myself & I…

Me: Can you believe that woman at the grocery store?
Myself: I know right!
I: So much for random acts of kindness.
Me: Oh no, I won’t let her sorry ass stop me!
Myself: I mean, all you did was give the cashier a dollar when she was short. There was no reason for her to say “Listen here Bitch…”
I: No, there wasn’t but your response was EPIC!
Me: *smiling that little smirk she smiles* Yeah “If by Bitch you mean Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming and Honest, I’m all ears…anything else and you better back the fuck up!”
Myself: Did you see the look on her face! She didn’t know whether to shit or wind her watch!
I: Can we have some ice cream as a treat? I mean, you did a good deed…we should reward our self…
Me: I wanted to laugh when she picked up her bag and walked out without even so much as a thank you. It was hysterical!
Myself: What I thought was hysterical was the cute young guy in line behind you asking if he could have your number as he said he thought you were the most generous, brilliant badass he’d ever seen.
I: What I thought was even funnier was the way she politely shot him down! *giggling*
Me: Yeah well, I did it because I knew he only wanted to feel me up too…
Myself: Well, I know the cashier was impressed. She just gushed at how nice you were to do something so sweet for such a jerk. You really are a Bitch *smirking that smirk again*
I: That you are! Seriously, can we please have some ice cream now?

ice cream sundae

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Me, Myself & I…

Me: What’s with you today?
Myself: Who me?
I: She’s still in shock that she went on a date…
Me: It was NOT a date!
Myself: Well, it was a movie, he paid and he kissed you good night…repeatedly.
I: I don’t know what the kids are calling it nowadays, but I call it a date!
Me: We were just hanging out..as friends.
Myself: Do you let all your friends feel you up?
I: She doesn’t let ANYONE feel her up!
Me: Why are you so freaked out about it? It was just some innocent petting. It’s not like we haven’t done it a million times before…
Myself: Because you know where it leads!
I: It led to B.O.B. getting quite the workout! *said with that silly grin on her face*
Me: You are overthinking this again, as usual…
Myself: I have to overthink things because you, have obviously, lost your mind! He was almost half your age!
I: And oh…so… hot!
Me: Good for me! Besides… just friends…Can you grasp that concept.
Myself: I can, but can you?
I: Oh, she sure can…friends with benefits! *giggling*

older woman hot guy

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Me, Myself & I…

Me: Okay…the kids and grand kids are all gone for a few hours…the house is still and quite…nice!

Myself: What are we going to do now? This never happens!

I: Oh, I know I know!

Me: Well, a nap would be lovely. I was up really late last night and then up really early this morning…

Myself: Or…

I: Let me! Let me! Please let me!!!

Me: I know exactly what I’m going to do!

Myself: That’s my girl!

I: Yay! It’s B.O.B I love B.O.B!!!

woman biting lips

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Me, Myself & I…

Me: Okay, house is clean, dinner is done, presents for the grand baby…what else??? *taps foot*

Myself: May I interject?

I: Awe crap!

Me: I’m busy thinking!  My God, can’t you just SHUT UP and let me think! Tommy’s coming home, I have a million things to do and I just need to think! I’ve been running around all day trying to get the house cleaned up, I’ve been to the store, cooked, done laundry and I’m taking five minutes to breathe and see if I’ve forgotten anything! Can’t you just give me FIVE fucking minutes???? Please!!

Myself: Sure I can, take ten if you’d like.

I: Oh shit…this is not going to be good.

Me: Thank you! *sighs and takes a deep breath* Now…where the hell was I?

Myself: I believe you were just about to remember….that you had forgotten to pick him up at the airport dumbass!

I: OH SNAP!

Airplane

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Me, Myself & I…

Me: *Humming*

Myself: What’s she doing?

I: I…I think she’s..she’s humming!

Myself: She’s what?

I: Oh My God! Seriously…are you going to start repeating yourself again? I said…she’s HUMMING!

Myself: What’s that smell????

I: Wait! I know that smell!

Myself: So do I! It’s Poison!

I: * shrieks*

Myself: The perfume you idiot! Wait…What’s that she’s eating???

I: Oh…the perfume…Wait…she’s eating???

Myself: For crying out loud, what do you do all day? Sit around trying to stay inside the lines with your coloring crayons? YES she’s eating! She’s eating CAKE!

I: I WANT CAKE!

Myself: We don’t need CAKE!!

I: Wait! When did We get here?

Me: OMG! I can’t even enjoy one day a year with you two around 😉

chocolate-birth-day-cake

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Me, Myself & I…

Myself: Hey… I… Where is she?

I: I don’t know

Myself: You mean you don’t know?

I: That’s what I just said!

Myself: No, you said “I don’t know”!

I: I know what I said…I’m not stupid! *mutters under her breath “Me is right, she’s a bitch!”

Myself: It’s her Birthday and she’s not around…This is strange.

I: Not as strange as you asking me the same question twice in a row.

Myself: I’m starting to get concerned.

I: I’m sure she’ll show up, she never goes too far away. Maybe she’s writing…she does that ya know!

Myself: Of course I know that you moron!

I: Hey, don’t call me names you…you…You…

ME: Will you TWO PLEASE shut the hell UP! For the love of GOD! I’m trying to SLEEP!

I: I Told you! *sticking tongue out at Myself*

woman biting lips

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Me, Myself & I

Me: Arrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!

Myself: Oh my God, now what?

I: I know! I  know!

Me: You always think you know what’s wrong with me I! You have no clue…neither of you do or there’d be NOTHING wrong with me!

Myself: Well, if you ask me, I think your suffering from pre-menopausal hormone swings…

I: Oh SNAP! You did NOT just say that to HER! *goes over and cringes in the corner*

Me: Well, I didn’t ask you and who gave you a fucking MD Myself? I’m a Gemini…I’ve always been moody and besides, did you ever think that if you and I would shut up and let me think clearly and sleep once in a while I might not be such a raving lunatic? Hmmm…did you??

Myself: Exactly my point my dear…You don’t sleep, you don’t eat right, you don’t get out enough, you cry at the drop of a hat, you have become introverted to the point that it’s becoming scary…You really should see someone about it. That is just my opinion of course, it’s not rocket science, you are middle aged now you know.

I: Oh God..Oh God..Oh God *repeats continually with her hands over her ears*

Myself: Wow…Middle Aged…I hadn’t thought about it that way…and Menopause…Jesus..that would explain a lot…It isn’t rocket science is it?…I’m sorry Myself and I…maybe I should listen to you guys more often…But could you two please do me a favor and SHUT UP once in a while??? PLEASE…FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! 😉

Doctor

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